Today almost feels like the worst day ever.
It’s beautiful out. I feel the nice cool breeze from the open window in my room as I lay on the bed. I can also hear birds and cars and the water too. The leaves on the tree are full and bright green, and fresh-complete with a light blue sky with a few white clouds dotting the background through the leaves and branches. My son is asking about the birds we hear, with his bright blue eyes and handsome smile. Like I said, it’s a beautiful day.
It’s 11:50 in the morning, on the dot. I’ve spend from 9 until about 11:40 folding & putting away laundry, making brunch, tidying the room, and being belittled. I actually probably spend a solid 30-45 minutes just crying. I feel like I am challenged by myself more than any other person. I hate me more than anyone ever could. I hate that today feels like the worst when I am looking at everything and it is beautiful and it feels like life is good but I can’t just shake this feeling of the need to run. Everyone is always telling me to listen to my gut, but how can you do that when all it says is no.
I’m living in constant conflict with myself. I see the good and the love and the happiness and the beauty. But somewhere in my mind, I stopped the connection. I see and hear and taste and don’t feel in my heart. I just feel lost and sad and angry.
I hate feeling like I need to run and I hate that this feels like the worst ever. But I just feel exhausted and like I need a nap before I can ever try for the better.